Expression over Perfection

Expression over Perfection.

It’s a phrase I repeat to myself often after hearing a friend in the capoeira community who I admire. Capoeira for the ways I know it leaves so much open for interpretation, that the beauty of the art lies in the individual’s unique expression of it, I still struggle to keep going. Capoeira in particular is a struggle for me because I feel like I’m constantly starting at the beginning.

Unlearning bad habits and trying to acquaint myself with the culture, many times because you just don’t know what you don’t know UNTIL YOU KNOW…. So many unspoken rules!

I feel like a baby even though I’ve been studying it now for 5 years and I feel like I constantly want to leave the arena. 

And the same anxiety applies to different areas of my life. Posting videos of myself dancing when I don’t have any dance experience. Posting videos of how I did my make-up when I’m not a make-up artist. Posting photos or videos of my process through yoga, contortion, handstands, witchcraft, etc. for going on 6 years now.

“But Angie, you seem so confident! I wish I had confidence like you! I never would have guessed!”

Well that’s my secret, friends. 

I’m always anxious.
I’m always operating under serious self doubt.
I’m always battling severe imposter syndrome. 

Like that scene in The Avengers, when Captain America says to the Hulk, “Dr. Banner… I think now would be a good time to get angry.” And Bruce turns back towards him to reply, “That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.” And then turns into the Hulk to smash the giant alien potato bug flying out of the sky. 

<< me, probably.

Anyway, the appearance of confidence doesn’t necessarily mean I AM confident all the time. I have gotten very good at practicing courage. Practicing expression over perfection.

I continue anyway. I am DETERMINED to keep my foot in the door. To stay in the arena. To keep showing up.

It’s harder than it looks, but I persist. 

Do I experience some serious “Vulnerability Hangover” as Brene Brown says?
Absolutely I do. 

I wish I could sometimes show people the internal struggle and the constant dialogue of Not-Enoughness running in my mind at all times. It doesn’t end but I keep trying & grow stronger around it. Sometimes the Not-Enoughness gets the better of me. But it isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up intentionally.

I am posting this for myself as much as I am for anyone else as I’m currently in one of the worst clouds of self doubt I’ve been in for some time.

Courage does not mean the ABSENCE of fear, but that you continue in spite of/regardless of the fear.

So rather than tell me you wish you were as confident as I am, or that you wish that you could pull _______ off, like me, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions and do so as often as feels helpful to you. 

Let’s Express Truth over Performance of Perfection.
xo, Angie